It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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