One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet