She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
