I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
