if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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