I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
