Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
