I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
