Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
