He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
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I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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