Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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