Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
