Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
