My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
