I threw up into my coffee this morning.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Is it penis luge time yet?
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We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
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I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I wear drunk well.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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