Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Randomize
