I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
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