flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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