I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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