Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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