Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
