Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
You ate ashes out of my bong
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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