God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
