Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Randomize
