Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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