I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
