paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
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