is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan