Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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