trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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