Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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