I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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