I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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