when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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