saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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