Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
