mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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