I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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