I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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