The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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