I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
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