He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize