Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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