I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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