dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
