Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
you had me at cake vodka
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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