Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Randomize
