She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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