i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
