yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
