it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I need water and some morals
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
