Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
