Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
