mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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