There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
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