I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
