Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
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