So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
