I am spending my child support on dildos
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
