Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Randomize
