my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
No subtext here. People are naked.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
